Growing out of the Rain.mp3
October 4th, 2019
two different thought processes
Stop Ignoring the Problem.mp3
February 10th, 2019
WARNING: SOME CURSE WORDS.
February 10, 2019.mp3
December 15th, 2018
"Backwards", rough idea, and a dream journal Entry
Bakcwards rough draft_1.mp3
my opinions On the Wealth Gap:
On the Wealth Gap.mp3
AUGUST 13TH, 2019. SOME ADULT CONTENT
July 21st, 2019
"SEXUALITY LOG"- READ BY AN AUTO-READER
July 21st 2019.mp3
THE ORIGIN OF UNFRIENDLINESS
Hey, so I'm going to talk about being mean. Some people think it's genetic, or in some other way predetermined, and that people can be intrinsically, undeniably mean. I disagree. While "mean-ness" is often labeled as an entire personality and written off as something unchangeable and to be worked against, i think it's just indicative of an injury, which can and should be healed with the help of other people.
In early life, each person needs to develop mentally. Our development is largely steered by the things we see happening around us. We learn the language our family speaks. When a parent says "sharing is good and yelling is bad", our brains are shaped to follow those rules.
Most of us develop somewhat of a similar moral code. It's better to work together than fight. Anyone who is loyal to you is worth trusting. But what we don't realize is that having those values is an extremely fortunate gift.
Some kids are not taught right from wrong. There are parents who don't explain anything, or won't open up about their feelings. In the absence of a lesson, the kid has to decide on their own which way to go. They might think "no emotional expression is good". They might think "i must know everything or i'm in danger". They might think "i'm not worth telling things, so ill just be polite and subservient". That will, whether they can hear the phrase in their head outright or not, become one of their core values.
Some parents might also teach UNCOOPERATIVE lessons, like "survival of the fittest", and "it's okay to use people". When that kid grows up, they'll have a set of values which works against the rest of society, and they'l be lucky not to be thrown out of every place they enter.
But the set of values i'm mainly here to talk about are the ones surrounding RANK. "This is better than that." "The rich are morally stronger than the poor." "A woman is not worth talking to if she isn't really good-looking." "I don't like a piece of work you made, and that defines your entire skill set, skill level AND character."
I believe that people who make those types of comments don't really mean them.
Why not? Because i didn't.
I grew up in an environment where there was yelling, and a lot of qualifying language. Though on the inside, i didn't think there was any difference in the levels of things, i had it in my head that you were SUPPOSED to have things that bother you; you were SUPPOSED to qualify things and rank, oppose, or believe them firmly.
As i got older, i lost faith in society. I didn't think adults, or any culture creator, knew what they were doing. So when i got really down around the age of 20, i sarcastically started using the language i THOUGHT people used with each other.
So now, whenever i hear somebody say something like "i'm an asshole", or "do you think women do this?" I automatically assume they don't mean it. It's just something culture or a familiar person has convinced them to say. No one REALLY wants to think that way. No one wants to believe those generalizing beliefs.
You know why i think so? Because the happiest people I've seen work together. They have strong connections with other people. They avoid phrasing things in a qualifying or degrading way. So that must mean we're all naturally drawn to acceptance and togetherness. The genes of working together are in all of us. As soon as we recognize and heal the hurt that has made someone spiteful, or the misconception that has changed their phrasing- as soon as we show people respect- they will work with the group, be happier, show others respect, 100% of the time.
Friendliness is natural. It just needs permission to grow within us.
So the next time someone works against you, if you're able to, try explaining to them that they're working against you. They might actually think about it and change their stance a little. Give the person permission to be better, and to learn. Don't just comply or call them names. Beyond the disagreement you're currently having is an opportunity for you both to grow. If you take it, your lives will be...for lack of a more fitting word...better.
WHY I CAN'T RELATE TO WOMEN
When i was a kid, i wanted to be a boy. In fact, i thought i WAS one; only, with some very misunderstand-able body parts.
After developing into a reality of misjudgment and qualification and undermining, i started to silently rebel. Instead of fighting against prejudgment by treating everyone equally, i strove to push myself as far away from anything female as possible. It was like the ultimate compromise: people could see my body and name it female, but they would treat me, socially, as if i were male.
I learned more about social interaction from guys as a teenager; mostly hung out with them because i had decided our interests were more similar than those of mine and other teenage girls...(even before learning their interests). I would always clap back at any comment i thought was sexist; but my intentions were only to save myself. I would keep my male-adjacent reputation, and who cared if all women got left behind in their own prejudged realities? As long as i wasn't.
So, being unpracticed, even when i had matured enough to drop my spite, and was also starting to explore what a female reality might be like, i wasn't too able to communicate with other women.
Whenever i see a female person i admire, i dont know how to talk to her. What should i say? What will i make her feel when i say a given thing? Will she be suspicious of me? Jealous? Offended? Will she hate me, or think i'm not as cool as she is?
There were a group of men i knew, through a former boyfriend, and they were all pretty friendly with me. But when we were all somewhere in a group, and their girlfriends sat together or started having conversations with each other, i couldn't join in. "I'm not one of you," my subconscious still said. I went up to them a couple times, but not every time, because i was so afraid to fail at relating.
I'd like to make it clear in this article that i didn't mean any harm by not talking to them. I didn't think i was above them, or have anything against them. I just didn't know what to say.
But i have two beliefs i'm practicing acting on in order to solve that problem. 1) Everyone is equal. And i dont mean 'exactly the same', because obviously every person has differences. But i mean we're all of equal potential- therefor equal value. Any judgement of someone's current value must include a piece of subjective opinion- so to be objective, we must judge people by their future value...which is technically the same. So although i may not know how to relate to women, i cant truly be worse than them...even if they end up thinking i am.
2) I'm interested in being a woman. I've been agreeing to explore the potential of my body, work with it and become one with it. I've also been studying womanhood, on a physical, physiological, psychological, and spiritual level. Given the new information I've gathered, things I've been practicing, and ways I've caught myself relating to what I've learned, i should be able to naturally relate to other women pretty soon. And that will feel great. It might also help me with general interactions, and cementing that belief about equal value and togetherness.
So, wish me luck. I might not be able to talk to you now, but maybe soon we can be good friends.
-I love things that make me feel things.
-I like to explore, but also- and maybe more importantly- I like to SOLVE.
-The idea of togetherness makes me really happy, like the ultimate fantasy.
Things People Need to Know About me!
- For a long time, I believed that the scariest people say the nicest things. If you complement me, I do not trust you. If I am loved, that means I am stifled. (not so much lately though)
- I don't need to be accepted for what I am, so much as be useful. I know you accept me, I know you appreciate what I have; I like it too. But that's besides the point. What can I do for you? I need constant proof that you want me around. Otherwise I'll walk around by myself and just help random people all day.
- When I am more confident, I am nicer. It has come to my attention that not everyone thinks that way, so let me tell you my own habits. When I feel more capable, I reach out more, help more, and speak up more. I become more entertaining, more fun, and seemingly kinder. But the truth is, at the moment, I'm brave enough to ask for your positive reaction, while I don't feel as brave 100% of the time.
- I don't lie; I just think of things in an unusual way sometimes. Sometimes people laugh at me, or think I intend something different than I actually do with my actions. Just know that I'm dead serious most of the time. I really did mean it that way. I really do believe that thing. I really am trying to help when I say I am. I really did raise my voice because you said I was being quiet. It might not be the way YOU think, but it's the way some people do.
- I LOVE music. It's not something people don't know, but it's just true. I'm starting to really enjoy it the way I used to over the past week. It's just so freaking good.
- I believe there can be humor and seriousness at the same time, in the same point. Sorry if I laughed at a serious thing; I also know why it's important. And you're allowed to laugh at my things; they are humorous...just also take it seriously, you know? Depending on what it is, I guess.
- I'm working on my emotional health- tolerance for positive feelings, being more receptive and able to enjoy things, know and state my needs, etc. Be patient; I really am trying. And in a few weeks from the last time you saw me, I will have improved even more.
- I love you. I love everybody in different ways. Sometimes I get angry, and maybe hate the way certain things are handled, but the beings themselves are cool.
I need to be needed; I need to do things for you! That's me, as a person! I had somebody tell me (yes, this is the same person from all my other material) that they were afraid of using me, and I've had this point bottled up for a long time now:
When there are things inside me, building up in my chest, like compassion, conversations, collaboration, time spent, whatever else you need...it's like if you tried to generate power by trapping light in a case of mirrors, with no real plan on how to extract the light. It just keeps reflecting against the walls, on and on and on, until eventually it would explode. That's how I feel. I need to express these things I have to offer.
If I hadn't decided to release some of this energy towards other relationships while waiting for you, I might be dead. While you're concerned with suffocating, or being too close, or asking for too much, I am being damaged by not having enough opportunity to give those things.
What WOULD be using me, however, is what you gave no second thought to asking for. We've had different life histories, and that thing did not mean the same things to me that it did to you. You cannot just assume that everyone sees it the same way, because THAT leads to using them, and THAT leads to suffering all around. Instead, investigate.
I was left open-ended, waiting to do those things, and I was severely damaged.
Not knowing is damaging, waiting is damaging, and not being able to give what you have to offer is damaging.
I don't know if it's not completely feminine of me to need a role in people's lives, but it seems like it isn't given the information I've been gathering on relationships. So maybe if people knew how I felt about my gender, they would be able to understand what I need a little bit better. I'm sorry for not making it clear, but I really didn't know how. I've done what I could, when I could, and I continue to do so.
Right now, I NEEDED to express this point because it was overflowing me emotionally. I'm crying right now as I write this.
I just need this to be out of my head. I'm not even sure if I articulated that well. I'm always afraid that what I say is going to be damning, and lead to even more being-left-behind. So, take what you will out of it. This is one of the points I have to make; there are several. So there you go. I need to do things for you; I need to be needed and useful; I apply that to every relationship so don't get your panties in a bunch so to speak, and there you go.
Holy Second Person!
(A reference to July 21st)
Hi guys. I'd like to expand on certain things because I'm finally able to articulate them. In the past, I wasn't able to put these thoughts into clear sentences, and so I kept the thoughts in my head in order to practice doing so (see a point on the loudspeaker entry below if you don't believe me). Now that I'm able to express these thoughts clearly, it's almost time to let them go. so here you go:
The second person from "Sexuality Log" and I tried to be physical twice over a two-or-three-year period. I still remember certain split-seconds in the form of vivid images. Each time, I completely froze, not moving or saying anything, and we had to separate. This is why I call it "trying". So the first time, I went to this person's house. Keep in mind that I was already suspicious of them for a few reasons- namely how I saw others getting treated by them and not wanting to see myself as gullible in the same way. Sorry to those other people; I was in a bad place and I needed some superiority to feel alright. When I saw you getting treated unreasonably, instead of becoming your friends I just tried to stay ahead of you by maintaining my physical health and extreme suspicions about most people who were polite to me. Sorry again; now-a-days I would definitely just perfer to be peaceful and act like a better friend.
So anyway; the first out of two attempts: I went to this person's house. I was extremely anxious, and already wasn't saying much. But to me it seemed like there weren't many options except to be physically close. It was too fast for me, but I didn't speak on that. Then, they undressed a little, and it seemed to me that their body was unnatural. They had lost weight, and instead of having some muscle around their waste like if the weight was lost naturally, it was just flat skin, as if it was all aesthetic, and only done for the sake of my sexuality. That freaked me out.
Yes, on the off chance that you'll ever see this, that's what freaked me out. That thought got stuck in my head, and I didn't know how to communicate it, so my brain went into this loop and prevented me from speaking. I couldn't go through with it anymore because I thought you were manipulating me. Maybe I was insane, but it was just one of many clues. I didn't want to be successfully manipulated; if all you cared about was pleasing me on the surface level, I was as good as abondoned and gullible. So while there were a lot of things that led to me fearing those labels, it was that thought which made me freeze on that day. I was paralyzed by not knowing how to express that thought.
The second time: I was home one day and they came over. I was already nervous, again, because at this point I was in really bad shape mentally. It was over a year after the first time. We saw each other last about a month prior; I had a strongly present thought that if I hadn't initiated that time, it would have been longer than a month. In addition to being cognitively impaired from depression, and exceptionally nervous because I hadn't been socializing much for the past few months to years at the time, I had been sort of stuck between actions when I hadn't heard anything from the person for weeks or months at a time. It really messed with my head, because I needed a sort of direction to go in mentally/a role to adjust myself to, and wasn't getting one. I wanted to know what they wanted, so I could facilitate that. But I had no way of knowing what was going on, and I felt stuck and it lead to a lot of ruminating, physical pain in my head from tension and in between my ribs from stress, and a lot of opportunity to cry.
Anyway, the second time: (to keep the format of explaining the first time), we went to my room. They asked what I wanted them to do, and...I went into another mental loop and froze. What was it this time? I'll tell you what it was! This thought: "Why would you ask me what I wanted, in that tone of voice- in other words be so caring or subserviant or whatever it was- and also plan to immediately leave, try to get things past me, and otherwise treat me badly/make me powerless within the situation? Your attitudes are extremely dissonent right now." I was in charge, but possible to ignore? You can take certain things without permission, but not other things? It was too complicated. I needed to figure out the exact patterns leading to both these extreme attitudes, when they shifted, and figure out how to both cure them and defend myself against them.
I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I needed a fuckng minute. This person was...(is there a more positive term for 'messed up'? Because I don't want to say 'messed up', because that sounds negative and my goal isn't to be insulting. I want to also imply that I have sympathy for it.) There were some beliefs in there that didn't necassarily apply as universally as the person thought. Also, the opposite ones in other situations. I wanted to help so badly, because I knew I could have (still feel that way, actually. I have a great trackrecord of applying my own former issues to other people's problems, sitting them down and suggesting ways out of it, and I've made a lot of people feel better, so I really think I could do something for anyone who lets me). But I wasn't allowed to be in a position where I'd be listened to. At least, I didn't think so, besides the few seconds at a time when it seemed like they wanted to listen to me.
It was all just very confusing. I was tied up in knots. There were so many contradicting thoughts in my head; I didn't know what to think. But what I know is. at the time, just after my late teens, the only successful interactions I had known had taken the form of deep conversations, in which I helped my school friends solve a mental issue by seeing similarities in myself, stePping into their shoes, and giving advice. So the most important thing to me was this person's brain, and doing what I could to untangle it and support the person. That's what I thought friendship was, and that's what I planned to do.
Meanwhile- and this is a theory I've had for a while- I think the first good interactions they had were sexual. That led them to see my physical form first and try to put me in a box, so to speak. But I didn't want that box; I wanted a different box. So basically we were both insane. I don't know, I'm just trying to put humor into this writing. Either way, I would still like to be this person's friend; I haven't forgotten about them (given it's hard to when I've kept myself in those moments until I figured out how to explain them but still), I still feel kind of stuck because I have no idea whether they want to talk to me or not. Part of me thinks they like me as a person and it would be good for both of us to talk and be friends, and part of me thinks they must hate me for expressing myself in certain ways when I wasn't feeling good. I mean, the biggest clue is that we haven't talked in years. (The first attempt was in November 2015 and the second was in January 2017). Now that I'm practiced in compartmentalizing my life to work towards dueling goals, I've been both slowly forgetting about them and simultaniously working up the skills and courage to reach out to them. We'll see what happens first. maybe they're both the same thing, like I'll forget about my own embarrassment and that will then help me talk to them like they're a new person in my life. I don't know. We'll see. But at least those thoughts have been articulated.
To listen to 2018's Journal Entries, please use a desktop
2018's Journal Entries
Febriary 3 2018.mp3
February 6 2018.mp3
February 7 2018.mp3
February 8 2018.mp3
February 9 2018.mp3
February 11 2018.mp3
August 10 2018.mp3
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